Cid Highwind's Incredibly Crazy Day
by Beautiful Tenshi
Summary: What do you get when you cross three crazy Avalanche members, the Turks, and ANOTHER malfunctioning Shinra rocket? Cid Highwind going insane, that's what! And that's not even the half of it! Read on to find out what happens!


Disclaimer: Your standard disclaimer, I own nothing here except my crazy thoughts! Nothing too obscene...but since it's a story about Cid, I'm sure you all know there will be more swearing than usual!  
  
Tenshi: Hmm...let's see...this is basically a one-shot about Cid having a really, really, I mean really bad day! Originally meant for my Bad Hair Day series, this somehow became a story of its own-so despite all the craziness that abounds in this fic, keep in mind that anything is possible in the world of Final Fantasy! With that said I hope you all enjoy this fic and remember: I mean no harm to the Captain!  
  
Cid: Yeah right...  
  
Tenshi: I don't!  
  
Cid: Anyway...  
  
Tenshi: On to the insanity-er...story!  
  
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In the small, quiet and industrious area of Rocket Town, it was a day like any other. Birds were singing, dogs were barking, and Cid Highwind was throwing his usual tantrum in the relatively new rocket he had taken from the Junon Airport two years ago.  
  
Cid: "Dammit! What the *$#@ were you idiots thinking when you disconnected the gravity controls?! What if we launched today and we had no gravity in here?!"  
  
Engineer #1: "Uh...we'd be floating?"  
  
Cid: "Like hell you would!! I'd kill you! Which I might as well do now! Get over here you numbskulls!!"  
  
Engineer #2: "Run for it!!"  
  
Cid picked up his Venus Gospel that was resting in the corner and started chasing the two engineers down the hallway. Today was not turning out to be one of his best days...  
  
Cid: "I'm gonna kill you two, that's the fourth #$*&^@! time this week you two have messed shit up!! When I get done with you, you'll wish you had never set foot on this goddamn-ahhh!!!"  
  
In his haste to "kill" two of his workers, Cid didn't notice the wires sticking out from one of the oxygen tanks in the floor and nearly tumbled out of the rocket.  
  
Shera: "Oops...are you okay Captain?"  
  
Cid: "Shera! Dammit what the #$%@^ hell do you think you're doing with wires hanging all over the place?! Don't you know that's a safety hazard?!"  
  
Shera: "I'm sorry...I thought this tank was faulty and I wanted to make sure."  
  
Cid: "You're kidding me right?"  
  
Shera: "I'm afraid not, Captain."  
  
Cid: "I swear to God all Shinra equipment is shit!!"  
  
Shera: "No wait, don't kick that!"  
  
With a hiss and a rumble, the faulty tank began to shake and spew gas all over the room.  
  
Cid: "See what I mean?!"  
  
Shera: "Look out, it's gonna blow!!"  
  
Shera and the two engineers leapt out of the way in time, but Cid was caught in the explosion and wound up laying six feet away. Hmm...better rephrase that statement made earlier: Today really was not turning out to be one of his best days...  
  
Shera: "Captain! Captain, are you alright?"  
  
Cid: "&^%$! What do you think?! That goddamn Shinra contraption nearly killed me!!"  
  
Engineer #1: "Aww man..."  
  
Engineer #2: "Too bad it didn't..."  
  
Cid: "I heard that!! I'm not done with you two yet! Get over here!!!"  
  
Cid did his best to regain his balance and resume his chase after the two engineers, but wound up tumbling out of the rocket and down the stairs to the ground...  
  
...Which was where he found himself looking at an upside down Yuffie, Cloud, and Cait Sith.  
  
Cloud: "Hey Cid."  
  
Yuffie: "What's up?"  
  
Cid: "Damnit, what the hell do you three want? Can't you see I'm busy here?!"  
  
Cait Sith: "You don't look busy to me."  
  
Yuffie: "Yeah, more like burnt and pissed off."  
  
Cid: "Gee, no kidding?!"  
  
Cloud: "What happened, Cid? Did you get in a fight with Shera and she blew you up?"  
  
With that said the whole group started laughing and nearly collapsed when the ground began to shake.  
  
Cid: "Oh........shit.......SHERAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Cid stood up and ran toward the rocket to find Shera scrambling down the last of the steps. When she reached the bottom, she looked up sheepishly at Cid.  
  
Shera: "Oops?"  
  
Cid: "IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY, OOPS!? JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!?!?!"  
  
Shera: "I think I launched the rocket..."  
  
Cid: "You think you launched...you think...HOW CAN YOU THINK YOU LAUNCHED THE ROCKET?!!?"  
  
Shera: "I know I launched the rocket?"  
  
Cid: "Arrrghhhhhhhh!!!!!!! What do you people smoke when I'm away?!"  
  
Cloud: "Heh heh...uh..."  
  
Yuffie: "Um...do you really wanna know, Cid?"  
  
Cid: "Not you!!!"  
  
Cait Sith: "Um, guys? The rocket's about to lift off!"  
  
Cid: "Ya know, Cait? You got an incredible knack for stating the obvious!"  
  
Cait Sith: "I mean that we're too close! We're all gonna fry if we don't get out of here! Run!"  
  
As if on cue, there was an incredible roar from the rocket that signaled its beginning ascent to the stars. The group raced to clear the area and in a near dejà vu moment, Cid was left behind after being bounced over by Cait Sith's big moogle.  
  
Cid: "Oww! You damn fat ass!! Watch where the hell you're going!!"  
  
Just as Cid scrambled to his feet, the rocket let off one final burst of flame and scorched the remaining launch area-and him along with it.  
  
Cid: "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!!! It burns! It burns us! It freezes!"  
  
Cloud: "Ha! The Cid! The Cid! The Cid is on fire! He don't need no water, let the motherfu-"  
  
Shera: "Cloud!!"  
  
Cloud: "Oh...sorry! Got a little carried away there..."  
  
Cait Sith: "Wow...who thought Cid turned into Gollum when he got near fire? I wonder what ice would do?"  
  
Yuffie: "Hmm...let's see...I think I have that materia here. Aha! Yep! Here ya go! Go on and cast it!"  
  
Cait Sith: "Heh heh...cool!"  
  
Cait Sith proceeded to cast on ice spell on Cid who was running around like a confused chocobo.  
  
Cid: "It freezes! Take it off us!!"  
  
Yuffie and Cait fell down laughing as Cid ran screaming toward them.  
  
Shera: "You guys! Get a grip! How could you do that to him?! Can't you see he's in pain?"  
  
The group watched as Cid continued to run around until he hit a tree and fell down unconscious.  
  
Cloud: "Heh heh, not anymore!"  
  
Shera: "Some friends you all are!"  
  
Yuffie: "Hey! We weren't the ones who burnt him! That was allllll you!"  
  
Shera: "I didn't mean to!"  
  
Cait Sith: "Suuurre you didn't..."  
  
Shera: "I didn't!! Don't you believe me?!"  
  
Cloud: "Nope."  
  
Yuffie: "Nuh-uh."  
  
Before Shera could say anything more, Reno and Rude showed up with Elena. The others could hardly contain their laughter when they saw Reno holding a pair of handcuffs.  
  
Reno: "We just received a report of an incident concerning a middle-aged man, who we believe was the owner of the rocket that just blasted off. Are you Shera?"  
  
Shera: (gulp) "Yes. Can I help you?"  
  
Elena: "You're under arrest for the attempted murder of one Cid Highwind. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law..."  
  
Shera: "No! I didn't try to kill him! It was an accident! I swear! There was a faulty tank! I didn't do anything!"  
  
Rude: "Yeah, yeah...take her down to the precinct, guys."  
  
Shera: "You'll never get away with this! I'm innocent!"  
  
Reno: "Yep, that's what they all say..."  
  
Cloud, Yuffie, Cait Sith and the two engineers watched as the Turks led a struggling Shera away from the launch area.  
  
Yuffie: "I knew there was something fishy about her when we first met. No one is ever that nice to complete strangers! I mean come on, we busted in her house looking for a guy dressed in black!"  
  
Cloud: "True..."  
  
Cait Sith: "So who called the Turks?"  
  
The two engineers looked at each other and then took off for the town's exit.  
  
Yuffie: "Right...well anyway, is Cid alive?"  
  
Cloud: "I dunno...let's go check."  
  
The group cautiously approached the Captain who looked like he had been through a blender, a chimney, and a war all at once.  
  
Cait Sith: "Hmm...he looks pretty dead to me..."  
  
Yuffie: "Nah...he's still breathing."  
  
Cloud: "Heh heh...I got an idea..."  
  
Cait Sith: "Wow! First Shera turns out to be a murderer and now Cloud gets an idea!"  
  
Cloud: "Hey! Leave me alone! I get lots of ideas..."  
  
Yuffie: "Anyway...what is it, Cloud? Tell us before you forget, okay?"  
  
Cloud: "Hmpf...okay here's what we do...(whisper whisper)..."  
  
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Somewhere in the Sector 5 slums...  
  
Cid: "Man...what the hell? Where am I?"  
  
Cid sat up to find himself in the middle of a pile of rubble near the outskirts of a residential area. Night had already begun to set in and all of the street lights had turned on, so he was allowed only a small view of just where he was.  
  
Cid: "Midgar?! What the $%^#?! I need a drink!"  
  
Cid got up and started heading down the street, encountering an old woman along the way.  
  
Cid: (clears throat) "Um...excuse me ma'am, but could you direct me to-"  
  
Old Woman: "Ahh! Thief! Help! Thief! Stay away from me! I have nothing for you! Get back! Back! Back!"  
  
Cid: "No, no, you don't understand! Ow! I just-ow-want to know where-oww- the nearest bar is!"  
  
Old Woman: "You can't trick me, Sonny! I know your type! You're a thief! Stay away from me you filthy, rotten miscreant!!"  
  
As Cid was getting beat up by the old woman, the Turks were beginning to make their nightly rounds. Seeing the half-blown up Captain getting hit over the head with the old woman's purse was hardly something they could avoid being part of, so Reno led the way over in his most business-like manner.  
  
Reno: "Is this man causing you trouble, ma'am?"  
  
Old Woman: "Yes! He tried to take my purse! He's a thief! Take him away officers!"  
  
Reno: "We're here to serve, ma'am."  
  
Reno gave a slight bow and then nodded to Rude and Elena, who we're already slapping a pair of cuffs on the bewildered Captain.  
  
Reno: "Here ma'am, allow me to escort you home."  
  
Old Woman: "Thank you, officer. That would be very nice of you."  
  
Reno winked at an opposite pile of rubble that, unknowingly to Cid in the dim light; winked back. As he was led away to the new Shinra Headquarters, Cloud and the others stepped out from the rubble and waved.  
  
Yuffie: "Enjoy your stay, Cid!"  
  
Cait Sith: "We'll be sure to visit!"  
  
Cloud: "Adios, amigo!"  
  
Cid whirled around and cast a demonic look toward them while Rude and Elena continued to lead him out of the area.  
  
Cid: "You three?! You'll %^$*# pay for this! Once I get out I'm coming after all of you and don't think I won't! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!"  
  
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And so ends the horrible day of Cid Highwind; Captain Extraordinaire!  
  
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Tenshi: Hee hee! I love Cid! Well? What do you think? I'm crazy and I need to be locked away? Let me know by the little button down there to your left! :) 


End file.
